Love handles

Tomorrow is two months since I quit, and feels like years. I barely remember the taste of the tobacco in my mouth, and yet, still have some cravings for one of those. I keep finding myself  discussing with my own mind why it is not a good idea to have just one. Still not giving in, but no one said it would be easy! Anyway, not so difficult as I expected, I am lucky to go through it without putting too much thought on it. Or maybe lucky is not the word, and I should say I really had it clear in my mind that I wanted to stop smoking.

Now, I found my real Achilles heel: I have put some weight since some months ago. I know it is not due to quitting, because I started putting on weight some months before. Nothing dramatic, but I used to eat all I wanted without  problem, and now for some reason (maybe age?) I have started putting on some weight doing exactly the same. So I decided to behave a little. THIS IS THE REAL IMPOSSIBLE!!!! I so love food. I can’t stay away from all this beautiful dishes, I feel hungry all the time (not hungry but maybe I feel like nibbling a little often) and all this wonderful food is everywhere. Quitting tobacco is nothing compared to trying to lose weight and eat fat free food 😦

I don’t know how to face this, and I am a bit scared to put on more weight, I was very comfortable with my body.

So I have started doing more exercise instead. Hopefully this will help. If I can’t stop eating, I might be able to burn it :p

For now, I will stick to yoga and running as my best mates, as if working 10 hours a day wasn’t enough…well, hey-ho, here starts another challenge! Who said life was boring???!

Advertisements

The little smoke

They told me it is more likely to get back to smoking after 1, 3 months, 1 year and 2 years. Not sure where these statistics have been taken from but it is apparently certain, according to a NHS doctor.

I had no problems in the first month, I was in fact surprised on how days were passing without having any cravings. None! I was the queen of quitting! Then, all of a sudden, these last 2 days, I have been having serious cravings and delusions. Seriously seeing myself enjoying a cigarette after dinner or thinking it wouldn’t be so bad if I had just one. And I know I can’t have just one. I am staying clean, but I feel a bit dirty inside. Like going backwards! Well, I keep doing my best, just a bit gutted this was getting so easy, and now I find myself in this situation…

Every time I hear of someone has given in again after years of being clean I think “How could they? Surely it must taste so horrible you can’t really stand a puff?”, but now, I don’t, nothing seems clear. The only thing I see, is this terrible addiction never ever goes away completely, there is a constant fight, at different levels I hope.

I guess, it is time to warrior up then. Bring it on!

Happy monthiversary!!!

Tadaaaaaa!! My first month! Look how nice I smell! And my lungs feel so lovely! Not just one, and I feel amazing, specially because I am in control, and because I know now that I can overcome anything I want if I am determined to!

I could be hours telling you about all the advantages that not smoking has, but we all know them, or most of them. I just have found one negative point: I want to make everyone quit. All the smokers around, the people I know, specially the ones I love…I want to tell them constantly how nice it is to be free, how they can do it, give them all sorts of advise…I don’t though, because I know how annoying that is for smokers. I have been one for so many years, and I know how irritating a recent non smoker could be, specially, how bad they could make me feel about not being able to quit.

I had a terrible dream last night: it started being extra nice, as I live away from my friends and family it was beautiful to be again with them in the dream, we were having a dinner all together al fresco in a beautiful summer night. Then all started smoking. Even the ones that have never smoked in real life were smoking in my dream. In this whole month I have never had cravings so intense as they were in my dream. I was so glad to wake up, because I think I would have smoked one in my dream if I hadn’t waken!!! And that made me feel terrible, as if being about to smoke in my dream, was equally disappointing as in real life. Anyway…subconscious things of the brain.

Have you ever had cravings or  smoked in a dream whilst quitting? I found it weird.

 

The little voice

Sorry guys I had to share this with you, I thought it could help some of you who are quitting even if it sounds very stupid: I just realised that when I have cravings like my brain telling me “I would love to smoke a cigarette right now, it would be lovely and to be honest now that you are not addicted any more it would be just a nice one”…when that happens, SOMEONE INSIDE MY HEAD STARTS SHOUTING! When I realised this I started laughing so hard in my room I couldn’t stop!!!! Basically it has been happening all this time but I didn’t realised how funny this is until now. When my naughty me tells myself I want to smoke, this other me in my head starts shouting: “Are you f*#king crazy??!! after all this effort, all the chats to yourself, all the overcome cravings, all the work your body has done to get rid of all those toxics, you seriously want to start putting that in my again? No way girl, I tell you, there is no way you smoke one more fag, we decided that remember? Think about smoking now, and tell me? Are you sure it would make you feel good? No! Damn it would make you feel bloody filthy, untrustworthy, dirty, unhealthy, weak, smelly, and all that for a cigarette that tastes like hell and you sure won’t enjoy at all!!!!”

Well, at risk of sounding absolutely coocoo, I thought I would share because I want you to feel free to come and borrow my little voice in the head. If you have a craving and hear a sensual voice saying “come on, why not, you can just have one” remember my aggressive, worked up, athletic, extrahealthy little person that shouts in my head, and you can take it for yourself. Put the tone it suits you best, and adjust the volume you like most, and arrange it so it starts automatically every time you have a craving.

You are welcome 😉

Staying strong

Today it is four weeks since I quit. I sit here and think, it has been so difficult to get here and at the same time, so easy. I read a post today from a former smoker, he said the way he did it was thinking every day: “yesterday it was the worst day ever, I don’t want to go through it again, so I won’t smoke today”. Even when it is really difficult to spend your day having cravings for a smoke, you don’t want to go through it again, so it is easier to stay strong than to give in and then have to go from the beginning again.

In my case, it hasn’t been such a daily struggle, as I just pictured myself as a non-smoker, and assumed that was it. That is how I want it to be. Smoke free, or at least, not being me the one bringing the damage to my table (in this case, my lungs). But I thought that was a really positive way of thinking, not only for quitting, but for everything in life. Sometimes we are the ones making it difficult, but not being strong enough, by not holding to our promises, by lying to other people…at the end, we have to do things again to do them properly.

So lesson learned (at least the theory), another mantra to get into my head, to help me in the path of finding myself and how I really want to live my life.

Stay strong!!!

Hangover

Oh dear, my head hurts. I forgot what it was to have a hangover. Living in London gives you all the options to go out and enjoy the night, but is so expensive that I usually never do. And let’s be honest, I am not a party person. My idea of a good night is a nice dinner with friends with long conversations involved and some slow drinks. So clubs are not my favourite places to go for some enjoyment…but when I did, I used to smoke like there was no tomorrow.  Specially if I was drinking.

Yesterday I went to a party in a club and I have to say I even felt released of not having to go out constantly for the smoke. Not that I didn’t think of having “the one”, or that I missed the ritual of smoking in a party. But it was not difficult. I think I feel so good, that I am reassuring myself every day more and more.

Basically I just remembered in a flash back that I posted when I arrived home in a deplorable inebriate state. I felt so embarrassed when I read it that I was going to delete it, but you know what? We are all humans, we behave like that sometimes, and I think we have to celebrate goals. Like not smoking when drunk.

It is going to be a while until I decide to drink like that again. Word.